It’s easy to be horny March 30, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentWanee Phom mee a-rom
Today I am horny (literally ‘in the mood’).
I am delighted to have a new word available to me in my mission to perfect my Thai language. This word alone has, blasted open my spectrum of dumb, blasphemous or just plain stupid utterences which I am likely to blurt out at the wrong moments.
Ta phom du chang suaay mak phom ja mee a-rom
If I see a beautiful elephant I will be horny
Phom me a-rom mua ma baa jubjub thao phom
I am horny when a crazy dog kisses my feet
I have decided learning a language can be fun if I can use it to be stupid. I can relax, it is more fun and I still get to practice my pronounciation, my grammar and my vocabulary.
It’s only taken me 3 years to build up the motivation but now I can express my carmal desires to any warm blooded mammal, I think I’ll enjoy living here quite a few years more.
The most exclusive advertisement I could get? March 28, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentWow, having just returned from holiday I find all these new customers have joined up with my telecom company. They are all quoting their source as the Wall Street Journal. I certainly don’t remember advertising there.
It turns out that my United World Telecom website was given an honororable mention there 
Cutting Phone Costs on the Road
March 24, 2005; Page D1
Q: How can I cut the cost of phoning the U.S. while traveling abroad?
–Diane Cummins, Washington
A: You can rent a cellphone using the global standard GSM from Web sites such as Roberts-Rent-A-Phone.com1 and Roadpost.com2, but the fees can be steep and calls can cost more than $2 a minute.
If you don’t need a phone at all times, try prepaid phone cards or callback services. With Absolute Global (from ZapTel.com3) or MCI World Traveler (at SpeedyPin.com4) cards, you call toll-free numbers and then dial a PIN and your number. Per-minute prices to the U.S. range from about $2.50 from Vietnam to a dime from the Netherlands; local charges may apply. With callback services such as United World Telecom (UWT4me.com5), you call a number, usually in the U.S., which calls you back. Then you dial the number you’d like to call. A call from Vietnam with United World can cost 51 cents a minute.
–Ian Mount
What does this all mean?
Well aside from some more customers, which is always nice I guess I can now market myself as saying “I have had my business given favourable press in the Wall Stret Journal”. United World Telecom is actually the big developed company I work as an agent for. Amusingly the WSJ editor has assumed that my website United World Telecom 4 Me was the major site though.
A day of enjoyable bruises, bites and cuts March 28, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentI remember, on falling exhausted into bed last night that I wanted the sliding door of our balcony open. Tik warned me that we’d get a lot of mosquitos in the night if we did that, but like man who wants his door open at night, I ignored her words of wisdom.
… so so itchy! We get the female mosquitos here with the high-pitched sound … they zzzzzzzzuzzz all over a room, land on my ear and escape just as I try to slap them. I try to be the gentleman for Tik and let them eat at me until surely they can’t eat any more and will get bored. No such luck.
Tik and I spend the night under the bedsheets, propping it up with my pillow so we are in a self-contained bed-tent. I wake up the following morning surpisingly unaffected.
Today is our big day. We get to do paintball, All-terrain-vehicles, nano-bikes and bowling. We take a swim after breakfast and are informed that a family also wish to do paintballing. We choose to join them.
Paintball was fun. It was in a small sandy area, rather than a large forest. Tik and I fought together against 2 family members. It was something I was looking forward to and I was not left disappointed. THe activity took about 30 minutes.
Next stop was ATV driving. I’d like to say I’m a skilled driver with lightning reflexes and credible judegment. I’d like to say I was an outstandingly healthy rich playboy millionaire too but realistically my ATV skills rank in the lower quadrant, perhaps slightly higher than that of a primate. I had a great time, actually managing to flip the vehicle upside down, and absolubtly caking my white trousers and my body in mud. Tik no longer enthuses about me learning to drive in her car.
I was not so good on the nano-bikes. Tik’s nano-body made her much better suited to ride the things. I had a quick ride but soon gave up in exhaustion after my tiring ATV experience.
We left the resort about 2:30 pm to eat at a famous and delicious steakhouse and cattle farm called Chokchai Farm. We got back to Bangkok about 5pm.
The Greenery Resort - Khao Yai March 26, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a commentTik collected me in the morning so that I could deliver my farewell line to Tik’s parent …
Phom kit wah khun me krop-krua sanook di khrap la duan na phow yak phut pasa Thai geng khun gap khun. Phop Gun khrap la chock di duay khrap
I think you have a fun family and next month and I would like to be able to speak better Thai with you. See you and good luck.
We drove to Khao Yai which is Thailand second largest national park and into The Greenery Resort where we were booked in for a night.
The resort is great: beautiful, professional, clean and self-contained. We has orignially planned to spend two nights however work commitments meant we stayed only on Sunday afternoon until Monday afternoon. We were excited to go Zorb Balling - where one stands inside a big rubber hamster wheel and rund around the countryside. Unfortunately this was not yet finished so we will leave it until next time we come.
Nonetheless, our first afternoon we did rock-climbing which I thoroughly enjoyed, a rope slide, archery and horse riding. I’d say the rock climbing was the most challenging and neither Tik nor myself could quite reach the top. It’s somethin I’m determined to achieve next time. Unfortunately my fingers were about 3 inches too short and my arms about a metre.
We were really fortunate that every activity we did was private. We had the sole attention of the instructors and nobody was around to see me fall off the wall or completely miss the archery targets.
We finished the evening with a romantic swim in the pool and a meal out in a restaurant down the road.
Meet the Tik’s March 26, 2005
Posted by Martin in : Thailand , add a comment
Today was a great day. I went to visit Tik’s parents, her dog and her younger sister ‘Toon’ so it was a great opportunity to practice my Thai. We drove in the morning to Khon Kaen - just an hour down the road. This is where Tik works for 20 days a month and where her family live.
Tik’s family don’t speak a word of English so the onus was entirely on me to be witty, polite and hadsome in Thai. Fortunately being handsome, well-dressed and incredible requires no cultural translations however I made sure Tik could emphasise these to her family, just in case.
It’s taken me over 3 years to be motivated enough to learn Thai and I’m really enjoying it. After just 50 hours of lessons in the last month I’ve been able to devise some rather impressive lines of small talk.
Phom kit wah look-saow kong khun mi tua suaay mak mak la cow mi nom yai duey
I think your daughter has a very beautiful body and she has big boobs as well
Khor-took tear tonee phom kikiat phut pasa Thai proa torn chow phom lap-norn gap look-saow kong khun la tonee phom nuaay mak
I am sorry but now I am lazy to speak Thai because this morning I slept with your daughter and I am very tired.
Khor-toot. Phom kit wah khun du muan chang yai tear mai mee pan ha proa phom kit wah look-saow kong khun Tik du muan chang noi la cow nalak mak .
I am sorry. I think you look like a large elephant but it is not a problem because I think your daughter looks like a small elephant and she is very cute.
… I would use the word ‘khrap’ at the end of these utterances in order to convey politeness and respect of course.
Tik’s family were lovely, very young at heart, great fun and - despite not being able to speak as much useable Thai as I would have liked they were very friendly and accomodating. It was a great relief for me to be accepted so readily into Tik’s family and it is another incentive to get my Thai to a better level. We had a lovely meal at a restaurant together and a relaxing stroll in the park.
That night I slept in the house of Tiks aunty as it was vacent. It was just a short drive away from Tik’s house and she came to collect me the following morning.